Fish of Skyrim
by ThisDude32
Summary: Take a trip with Ghoti (it's pronounced fish) to Skyrim As they capture mysterious creatures win a war and do things that defy the laws of nature! It's a ride you risk taking as they may jump out the story just for the joy of it! Warning: if characters are jumping out of story please alert the authorities and the nearest mental hospital.
1. Meet Ghoti

**Note from ThisDude: **In the following story there are elements of stronger than usual language, wall breaking and possible offensive themes. Please due take note of this and heed thy warnings. (Thank you VideoGameMaster for noting my lack of parental advisory labels)

* * *

"Rorikstead. I'm from Rorikstead." The strange man stated in sorrow. They were pitying themselves.

"Ugh! This is the worst, most boring wagon ride of my life!" I bellowed in complaint. The other two looked at me in disbelief but kept silent. Ulfric shifted to look away.

"Pipe down back there!" The carriage driver was obviously annoyed.

_Note to self: Kill the Driver first._

We finally arrived to the cutting blocks of helgen. Stopping in front of one of the main guard towers. Helgen was already depressed looking. The housing was rickety and broken, made up of aged wood and twigs. The children were dressed in rags and the adults no better. The snow itself looked undignified, dingy and grey. At this point, Helgen was much worse than the Rift in the aspect of their standards of living. To top it off, they gave the small, beat and broken town a chopping block.

"Alright, fall in line!" The Imperials culled us up by wagon. As we slowly stumbled along the planks and on to solid ground the guy from Rorikstead became frantic.

"Wait! I'm not supposed to be here!" The strange man was in a panic and ran off. "I don't wanna die!"

"Archers!"

On cue, he was struck down as it rained death on him.

_Idiot._

"What's your name?!" The Imperial woman barked at me.

"Hmmm..." I took a second to think who I was.

Hmm.. Nord? Imperial? I wish wookie was an option. Not red guard. I'm not even sure if the person writing this spelled it right. Maybe... Nope. Imperial equals money. Done. Male or female? Huh... don't want to be sexist, but I am speaking in first person but my narrator plays in third. Tough choice. Am I really having gender issues? 'Eff it I'm female. Proportions... nope just going to pick a name.

"My name is ghoti!" I proclaimed.

It was silent for a while.

"Fish?" One of the imperials asked.

"You spell it G-h-o-t-i." I said. "Its pronounced fish."

"How?"

"Well the g and h make an f sound like in the word tough-"

"To the block!"

I _really _hate this place.

I fell in line with the other prisoners. Peering around to see how tough and mighty the other guys looked compared to me. I noticed Ulfric again, hunched over and still muzzled, kinda like a puppy that got infested with fleas after being neutered. The other guy that was bumming out my mood was standing as proudly as ever. I wanted to spit at him but he was too far. There was one other stormcloak there, though I don't like characters that don't have names.

They called him up to the block first to my amusement.

As he went to the block the priestess started chanting a prayer before being interrupted by the stormcloak.

"Get on with it!" He proclaimed.

_Thunk!_

His head hit the wood and his body hit the floor nearly as fast as he interrupted the priestess. That one swift clean chop motion made me want the executioner's axe. As I bubbled in the thoughts of the many things I could kill with it a loud screeching roar bellowed into the sky breaking my train of thought.

"There it is again!" One of the Imperials stated.

"I said next prisoner!" The female imperial demanded.

"Alm-cay the itch-bay" I whispered to the first imperial that spoke as I passed by.

I stood in front of the cutting block staring down into the eyes of the guy executed before me.

"You want me to share a pillow with this ugly-"

The female kicked me in the back and I fell head first on the block. I was face to esophagus with the dead head. The executioner raised his axe high and mighty and held it in the air giving enough time for my _dues ex machina._

As the axe was about to come down a dragon slammed on the tower above him. Shaking everything in sight. The esophagus even did a little dance, wobbling around before rolling away with it's head.

Things became hectic immediately. Captains were yelling commands prisoners and citizens alike were running amuck. Men were being burned alive near me. While this was happening I was standing there absently not really knowing what to do. Maybe if I don't move the dragon won't see me.

"C'mon! Follow me!" Yelled an imperial. And I did, what else was I going to do? Pretend I don't exist until the city is burned down? Bore the reader to death by going into stealth non-stop? That's about as interesting as watching a concert and you're deaf.

So following this random stranger we bobbed and weaved through the buildings, avoiding fire from the dragon and other imperials. We had the dragon land near us and swallow the guy next to us. Running along, ignoring the constant death around me, I had noticed a misplaced shoe. The misplaced shoe was sitting there totally inconspicuous. I looked up and the soldier guiding me was gone. I couldn't believe he ditched me for being distracted by a shoe! It was a nice shoe too!

I picked up the shoe and ran off in one direction flying head first into the annoying stormcloak that rode the wagon with me.

"Follow me!" He cried. As I got back up I spit in his face and ran off to find the other guy.

_That ought to teach him to bring my mood down._

I soon caught sight of the other soldier and he motioned me inside of the tower he was standing in front of. When he slammed the door shut he motioned behind me and began unbinding me.

"Sorry about the binding thing. I know you weren't on the list but my captain can be a bitch." He finished unbinding me before continuing. "By the way what's the shoe fo-"

I slapped him with the shoe as hard as I could.

"That's for leaving me when I'm distracted by shoes!"


	2. Boring Tutorial is Boring

**Note from ThisDude: **In the following story there are elements of stronger than usual language, wall breaking and possible offensive themes. Please due take note of this and heed thy warnings.

* * *

The soldier was rubbing his cheek in pain, stretching his jaw to work out its kinks.

"Right then," he said. "Never leave the girl you're with when she sees shoes she likes."

As he was absently talking to himself I took a look around. A couple swords were laying about, a dagger was on the table and no shield. Great, I'm supposed to start weak and barely able to defend myself cause my stats suck, yet they don't give me anything to protect myself with. I grabbed the dagger and a sword, wielding them in my left and right respectively. I swing them around a couple times before I tired out quickly.

"Damn, these things are tiring to use." I said breathily. "I only swung them like three times."

"Let's go now." The man lead on before my stopping him.

"You know Rule one about the shoes. Rule two: Never rush a woman when she's picking out accessories."

"Look, lady-"

"Rule three: Call a woman by her name when referring to her, unless you don't know her name or are in a relationship with her. Considering we aren't dating, I suggest you get proper before this sword goes into your back."

"You done?"

"What's your name?"

"Hadvar," He said in a very stale way. "The name is Hadvar."

"Well... Harvard. Your name sucks and you're a prick." I smiled and walked off awkwardly with my pokers.

Harvard followed right behind me. When we reached the bottom of a staircase I overheard a couple guards talking. I barged in with hopes that I could go with them instead of hanging with Harvard. I stood there blankly without anything to say beside having an awkward smile on my face. We looked at each other for a few moments.

"Stupid bitch." One of the men said.

I gripped my sword furiously. I could not believe what he just said. To me of all people.

"Harvard!" The guards looked up as if I were talking to them. "Rule four... Never call a woman a bitch."

Reader. What I'm doing right now is breaking the fourth wall in order to destroy these bastards.

Writer. Please enter the god mode cheat for me. Also, while you're there, can you send those Nord Hero Arrows you hacked to do 200 damage a shot?

_`tgm_

_ 000EAFDF 200_

Thank you! Anyway back to the- I need a bow!

_` 000139B5 1_

Ooh, Daedric? You must have a crush on me mister. Anyway, back to the fight.

I slung my arrows, that appeared out of thin air, and drew my bow. The shock in their faces when they realized their imminent doom was perfect.

One charged me quickly to disable me before I could launch an arrow but an arrow was in his chest just as fast as I pulled it from the quiver. The other two tried to run off the direction I came from but Harvard was stuck in the doorway. I shot the one closest to the door. As he rag dolled up the stairs, I pulled out my dagger and sword. I ran up to him and poked him. Poke. Poke. Poke. Poke. Poke. Poke. Poke. Poke. Poke. Poke. Pokedy. Poke. Poke.

As I managed to open enough gashes to create a hive, I realized I wasn't getting tired. God mode does it's wonders doesn't it?

I decided to go on ahead skipping through the rest of the boring helgen dungeon level because who gives a hootenanny. Beside the bear, which was fun waking up to attack Harvard, there really wasn't anything entertaining there anyway.

"Ah! Great to have some fresh air!" I exclaimed cheerfully.

"You aren't going to kill me since I helped you through the cave right, Ghoti?" Harvard said slowly exiting the cave from behind me with a large gash in his leg from the bear mauling him.

"You're alright Harvard."

"It's Hadvar."

"You know Harvard, I could really eat right about now."

"There's a small town up ahead named Riverwood. My uncle lives there."

"Then what the hell are we waiting for!? Let's go!"

_`tgm_

"Aww, c'mon author man! I wasn't going to hurt the poor village. Maybe just kill a chicken or two for grub." I blabbed on to the sky as Harvard stared at me dumbfoundedly. "You didn't have to turn off god mode!"

"God mode?" Harvard poked in.

"Nothing Harvard. Let's just go."

We started off towards the village before Harvard spoke again.

"It's Hadvar, milady"

"Don't correct me Harvard."

_Note to self: Kill Harvard after grub._


	3. Boring Walk is Boring

**Note from ThisDude: **In the following story there are elements of stronger than usual language, wall breaking and possible offensive themes. Please due take note of this and heed thy warnings.

* * *

"I thought you said the town was close." I was beginning to get impatient with the scenery. The trees were pretty much the same old scattered trees. I saw a rabbit I think, maybe, could've been snow. This dirt road, which felt endless by the way, was starting to hurt my feet. The stones were... hold on. These stones have giant holes in them.

"Harvard. Stones!" I ran up to them and stared at the pictures. "What do these squiggles mean!?"

"Those stones allow you to earn experience faster in the general theme of the stone you choose." Harvard proclaimed.

"Wait. What?" I was lost. "Harvard did you just break the fourth wall?"

"No, the writer doesn't know what I actually say right here so for convenience he wrote what he knew. He's going to give me free will again in a sec and I won't remember any of this."

"You're kidding."

"Thief, eh?" Harvard's free will was definitely back. "Not too late to change your fate, you know."

Thanks writer. Way to give him back the script.

We continued our dreadfully boring walk. Me still wishing the writer would put something interesting for plot enhancement or just skip this part completely. Nope. Still walking this boring walk, with boring Harvard, in boring Skyrim, on boring Nirn. I obviously don't care to describe the walk and what I actually experienced so the reader can know I viewed nature as. Shame on them for even thinking I cared. Most, if not all, the readers played the game and had to go through this part. They know how boring and unnecessary this walk is. In any case, the writer is finally letting me show up at the stupid town cause I rant too much.

Walking into the town I saw what looked to be a village out of vanilla minecraft. There was a blacksmith, a couple houses no one really acknowledges, villagers, a horse that is apparently owned by no one. Definitely Minecraft.

There was a huge roar that echoed into the village. One villager looked up to the sky.

"Was that a mother fucking Charizard?" The old woman said under her breath.

She actually seemed to be the only person to have noticed or even cared. Even Harvard was ignoring it. Instead he pulled me into the blacksmith's house.

"Welcome to my smithy." The old man standing there smiled with his words. "You seem like you can take care of a wild animal and train it to fight other vicious and possible stronger animals. Here take one of these capture devices and beat all the Jarls with the animal inside."

Anyone else feeling some sort of deja vu?

"But Uncle Palm, what about me?" Harvard complained.

"You'll get yours soon enough Hadvar."

I walked over to the table and picked up the one on the far right. As soon as I touched it an orange lizard materialized. The mutation spoke it's name and flames came out of it's mouth engulfing Harvard in a ball of fire. I like this thing already.

"Charmander really is a dragon!" I yelled in excitement.

"Fine. I pick this one." When I saw him starting to reach for squirtle I drew my dagger and tried to cut off his fingers. The chop would have been successful if not for him being an essential npc. Sure his fingers fell off but they grew right back. After he jumped around for a while in pain he grabbed the squirtle anyway.

"Hey bit-" Harvard started.

"Don't you dare. I may not be able to kill you but I can make you wish you were dead." Harvard gulped.

I lifted my pokeball and commanded the release of my charmander. In a burst of red light my charmander appeared ferocious in every manner of the word. Harvard tossed his ball and summoned the stupid squirtle. What Harvard didn't realize is that the writer was on my side and made my charmander level ten. The charmander scratched the squirtle twice and it fainted from pain. I'll never understand how something could faint from the pain of a small scratch.

We both returned our pokemon to their pokeballs.

"But I thought water-types were stronger than fire types!" Harvard complained.

"Please tell me what water type move your level five squirtle has." I said with extreme sarcasm.

"Levels? Pokemon aren't based on levels. They just get stronger. This isn't some rpg, this is real life."

I facepalmed. Sorry you had to sit through that reader.


End file.
